feel bad

i feel bad about posting the thing about my friend but it doesnt mean i dont hate her. cause i do. (hate is a strong word that shouldnt be used lightly[so says my grandma] but i cant stand her, the very sight of her makes me angry and fills me with resentment. she's gonna wake up one day, and think back on what she did and i hope that she feels bad. god i sound really mean, its just i trusted her, she was my friend, i felt bad when her dad spanked her, and i wanted the best for her. but not anymore. i really care about my friends, but once you make a fool of me or stomp on the friendship i so freely gave out i dont care anymore. i love to simply watch as you dig a deep whole so deep that you cant get out of and smile as i reach for your hand and as you reach for it i pull it away simply returning the favor. (sorry that was mean again, man i sound dark and evil). i dont open up to just anyone, my feelings are something that i dont freely give out, its like giving a fully loaded gun to a psychotic killer. i have barriers, and no one has ever reached the small gate near my true feelings, and only my mom has ever seen a peek behind that gate. so when my friend started to make a fool of me i pulled away, my mask put back on completely, never to be shone again. we might become friends again, but she will never get passed that mask again. fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, try to fool me but it'll never happen. i feel tired and sad, and when she first messed with me i felt so hurtbut the fun's about to begin. i know i'm being two faced but hey it's better then being a backstabing, un-apologizing, guilt free (i dont always have guilt either) girl who would most likely drop even her little sister to the sharks even if they could both get away. (god whats wrong with me i sound really scary, oops, to late now, what has been written in stone cant be un-shown (ha it kinda rhymed)